Miles from Home

China Commentary– Youthful Musings on the Environment, Culture & Development

Sense of Purpose

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Two weeks of diligent studies.  I mean, hardcore, hours and hours.  Character after character, studying.  Trying to catch up in a class full of American-born-Chinese (ABCs) demands this.  And I demand it of myself.

It has been frustrating, humbling– mostly humbling.  Being the top student has always come naturally.  And now, I face an uncanny nemesis.  I find myself genuinely frustrated, questioning myself when I do not know an answer, like some fault, like I recently discovered the chink in my armor.  I knew I was confident, yes, cocky, but now… well, now, I am the one with the blank look and the drooping chin.  And it drives me, luckily.  It infuriates me.  I work harder, longer.

There is a sense of urgency.  Urgency.  I find myself more and more infatuated with this phenomena.  Perhaps it is my atheism, the belief that I am not going to get another chance at this whole “life” thing.  Accomplishments need accomplishing.  Sometimes, especially on Friday nights as I teeter on the precipice of debauchery, I devalue my aims.  What have I done since college?  There is a possibility I will be 26, homeless and career-less with my life packed tightly in a dufflebag.  What does this accomplish?  And then, I just breathe.  Take it in.  Let it out.  Doubt is inescapable.  I balance it with urgency, the motive to pick up tools and tinker with the wreckage.

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Written by Miles

September 21, 2007 at 12:07 pm

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